We are broken
by andersex
Summary: That was the reason why he had never allowed himself to be emotionally vulnerable with a girl before, he didn’t want to get hurt, and hurt is all you get when you fall in love with a Waldorf. BxC, Post 1x10


Summary: Post 1x10, Chuck and Blair have to deal with the aftermath of the cotillion

**Summary**_: _At the cotillion, Blair noticed that Chuck saw her and Nate kissing and changed her mind. She ran after him and found him outside, which then led to a trip to the emergency room. Blair knows she has to choose, but who is it going to be…Chuck or Nate?

**Rating: T**

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing!

**--**

_I am outside  
and I've been waiting for the sun  
with my wide eyes  
I've seen worlds that don't belong_

She closed her eyes and leaned back on the sheets, closing her eyes to attempt to keep the tears at bay. The look of hurt, shock and heartbreak that had been radiating from his eyes were threatening to rip her to pieces. She could feel_ him_ kissing her neck and it made her sick, she didn't want to be here, she didn't want to be with him, all she wanted was to be with the guy she loved, the one she didn't even want to love, and it was all she could think of. She pushed Nate off of her and pulled her dress back on, sprinting from the room without looking back.

She needed to find him, needed to convince him that she…that she loved him. She didn't know why, and she knew it didn't make any sense but something about him was different, it was what made her fall for him. When she got scared, like she was now, she tended to do things that were very…stupid, to put it bluntly. She knew that hooking up with Nate was something that she didn't want to do, but she had still decided to go through with it, all because she was afraid of falling in love with someone who had never actually been in a serious relation and whom had put the boy in playboy.

_My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize_

_Tell me why we live like this_

He could feel moisture gathering in his eyes as he stomped down the stairs, nearly trampling the girl he had talked to just moments before as he continued down the stairs. He grabbed Carter's drink as he passed him on the stairs and downed it in one gulp, throwing the cup behind his shoulder as he continued down the stairs.

He felt numb; the thoughts were flying through his brain too quickly. He couldn't deal with it, didn't want to deal with it, he wanted to forget it. He wanted to forget the feeling of how perfect her hand had fit in his, the feeling of her body pressed up against his in his limo, on her bed, on his bed, against the wall…he felt his hands begin to shake and the wetness in his eyes to pool up, threatening to pool over. He stormed out the door and leaned back against the cool marble of the building as he shuddered, trying to remember how to breathe. His breaths were coming in gasps as the tears he had been trying to push back cascaded down his cheeks. Chuck Bass didn't cry, but he seemed to do a lot of things that "Chuck Bass" didn't do when it came to Blair Waldorf.

Falling in love with his best friends girlfriend had been just as shocking to him as it had been to her, the butterflies probably scared him more than they had scared her that night when he had confessed his feelings to her while standing on the terrace. For the first time in his life, he had opened his heart, only to have it trampled on. That was the reason why he had never allowed himself to be emotionally vulnerable with a girl before, he didn't want to get hurt, and hurt is all you get when you fall in love with a Waldorf.

_  
Keep me safe inside  
Your arms like towers  
_

She kept running, ignoring Nate's pleas that were coming from behind her. All she could see in her mind was Chuck's broken expression as he caught her and Nate kissing on the stairs. _Stupid, stupid, stupid! _She cursed in her head, not caring when she practically mowed people down while sprinting down the stairs. Chuck hadn't done anything that would warrant her to do this to him. True, he had caused her ex-boyfriend to punch out her date at the cotillion, but that paled in comparison to this. Sleeping with his best friend was the ultimate betrayal, she knew this, but yet she had still done it…oh how she regretted it now.

_Tower over me  
_

He slumped to the ground, attempting to regain control over his exhausted body. As his body sank to the ground he allowed his mind to wander, thinking back on his firs t night with Blair.

She had surprised him when it was her who popped out of the limo that night at Victrola instead of Nate. Not a bad surprise mind you, a surprise was never bad when Blair Waldorf was involved, but a surprise nonetheless. The events he had planned for Victrola probably weren't as exciting to Blair as they would be to Nate, watching girls dance across the stage attempting to seduce the audience, but Blair had surprised him, she was always surprising him.

When she had stepped up onto that stage…something inside of him had felt as if it was alive for the first time. Seeing her up there, confident and sexy as hell, dancing along with the professional burlesque dancers, he had finally realized how stupid Nathanial had been to ever let her go. Every time her hips swung, every time she smiled in his direction, anytime she let her inhibitions go free…he felt something inside of him falling in love with Blair Waldorf, something that he knew he shouldn't be doing, but just couldn't stop.

_  
Yeah  
'Cause we are broken_

"Have you seen Chuck?" she asked, sounding winded as she approached Serena and Dan on the dance floor. The two of them shook their heads.

"Why?" Serena asked, sensing her friends' distress

"To make a long story short, Chuck and I fought, Nate said he wanted to get back together, I was upset about Chuck manipulating Nate to punch Carter, and Chuck saw me kissing Nate and took off" she said, not stopping once to take a breath. She froze when she saw Nate walking down the stairs, presumably looking for her. She told Serena not to tell him that she left and exited the building, tripping over something that was sprawled outside the door on the ground.

_What must we do to restore  
_

"Chuck?" she said, her eyebrows shooting up as she saw what looked like a drunken Chuck Bass sprawled out on the pavement drinking out of a flask with his back pressed against the wall of the hotel. He didn't even look up at her; he didn't even acknowledge her existence. He was beyond plastered; he probably couldn't even remember his own name. She sighed and attempted to get him up, but he kept fighting her off, moaning something about not wanting to get hurt again. She felt the tears coming to her eyes, his previous statement reminding her that it was fault that he was hurting like this. She knew that she would never be able to get him into his suite; she would need to go get help.

_Our innocence  
_

As he watched her hurry away from him, well at least he thought it was her, he felt a dull ache in the shattered remnants that were his heart. Watching her walk away, even though he was sure she was going to come back, probably with Serena and Brooklyn, It didn't make the image of her leaving, leaving him, any easier to bear. Over and over in his head, as if on replay, were the images of Chuck and Blair. Some weren't even images of what had happened, they were memories that his mind had cooked up to cause him even more pain. Nate kissing her neck, while she unbuttoned the buttons on his shirt and turned around, facing himself, to mouth the words "you know you love me" while she made love to Nate in front of him. He know those things would never happen, but that didn't stop them from invading his mind, torturing him.

_Oh, the promise we adored  
_

With Serena and Dan's assistance they were able to get a now unconscious Chuck back to his suite in the palace. After they got him there they tried everything that they could think of to wake him, and Serena was starting to get scared. She had seen people who had drank enough to provide for a small wedding wake up without much trouble, but they had done everything they could think of for Chuck and he wasn't moving. She knew that something was wrong but she didn't know how to approach the subject with Blair, because she didn't want to scare her. She wasn't completely sure, but it was possible that maybe Chuck was suffering from alcohol poisoning. It was kind of ironic actually, because he hadn't drank as much alcohol as he normally did.

She was spared from having to talk with Blair because Chuck finally started to respond, unfortunately to only confirm her worst fears. When he started thrashing around on the bed Serena rushed to the phone and dialed 911, trying to inform them as calmly as possible that their friend was suffering from alcohol poisoning and was seizing. She could hear Blair's frightened sobs as Dan attempted to console her while she gave the woman the address of the palace.

She knew Chuck was going to be ultra pissed when he realized that everyone at school would know that he had practically drank himself to death, but at this point she really didn't care. No matter how much personal disdain she felt for Chuck at most given times, she didn't want him to die, and she didn't want to see Blair so upset. The ambulance arrived a few minutes later and Chuck was put into the back of the limo with Blair climbing in behind him. She could see people from the cotillion coming outside to watch him get loaded into the limo and she saw multiple clicks go off.

She sighed as she realized that Chuck would probably be the top story on GossipGirl within the next few minutes. Without fail, about five minutes after the ambulance went off; her phone went off in her pocket.

_Give us life again  
'Cause we just wanna be whole  
_

**Hello Upper East Side**

**Did you have fun at the cotillion? I know I did. However, some of our favorite UESers didn't look as if they were having any fun. C and B spotted on the dance floor with B storming away. B was then seen with N heading up the stairs followed by a very disgruntled C. C was then spotted racing down the stairs, trampling anyone that got in his way followed shortly after by a very remorseful looking B. What happened up there? Somehow I doubt it was a ménage a trios. **

**N spotted at the top of the stairs, looking like he just lost his best friend…and his girlfriend? S and D were spotted helping B **_**carry **_**C into his suite, looks like someone had a little too much fun. **

**Of course the big scoop of the night also revolves around our favorite Upper East Siders we hate to love. C was spotted being wheeled into an ambulance with B climbing in with him.**

**I don't know about you, but I want to know what the hell is going on.**

**You know you love me, xoxo. Gossip Girl.**

_  
Lock the doors  
Cause I'd like to capture this voice  
_

He woke up, feeling as if he had been run over by a transport. Maybe he had been run over by something, seeing as he couldn't remember exactly what had happened. He wracked his brain for a few moments, struggling to remember what had happened to him, and when he saw Blair sitting in the chair next to his hospital bed, he remembered everything.

The cotillion. Carter getting punched out. Blair dumping him. Blair hooking up with Nate. Drinking, lots of drinking…and then it was blank.

Something had obviously happened in between the drinking and the blacking out, but he couldn't remember anything. He opened his mouth to speak but it was so dry that he started coughing. His coughing woke up Blair who grabbed the cup of water on his bedside table and helped him drink it.

"Where's Nate" he said, sneering a little bit. She looked taken aback and pointed towards the waiting area. She stood up, signaling that she was going to go get him and he shook his head.

"Why" was all he said, looking up at her and trying to blink back the tears that had drifted there.

_It came to me tonight  
_

She felt the tears creep up in her eyes as she saw that hurt expression in his eyes again. She knew that he wasn't asking why he was in the hospital, and she also knew that he wasn't asking why Nate was out in the reception area.

He wanted to know why she had hooked up with Nate.

She wanted to know why she had hooked up with Nate.

Honestly, she couldn't even find one good reason for hooking up with Nate, he had never been a good boyfriend and she knew that the history would just repeat itself again. He wouldn't love her enough and she would love him too much, it was practically the story of their lives, they would never work. Chuck had just made her so angry, once again he had put his own personal amusement over her happiness, and she hadn't been able to take it. So she had lashed out in the only way she could imagine would hurt him, using his innocent best friend against him. Nate had no idea that she had been seeing Chuck; therefore he had no idea what his wink would have done to his friend.

_Well he probably knows now_…she thought to herself as she struggled to find an answer to Chuck's question.

_So everyone will have a choice  
_

He didn't really expect her to have an answer; he always knew that he would come second to Nate. He didn't want to say what he knew he was going to say next, but it had to be said, she had to be given the choice. It would have to be either Nate or him, she couldn't have them both.

Deep down he knew that she would pick Nate time and time again, because it was all she knew. She and Nate had practically been married ever since they were five. The Waldorf's and the Archibald's had always expected that their "darling children" would grow up, fall in love and get married, it was practically written in stone. Growing up it was all that Blair had ever known. Chuck could still remember the time in seventh grade when Edward Cullen had asked Blair out.

"I can't date anyone but Nate, I'm not allowed" she had said quietly. Sadly, Chuck had known how much Blair had really liked Edward, and it was awful that her mother had her so brainwashed that she was convinced that Nate was the only person for her, and he was brainwashed by his parents as well.

_And under red lights  
I'll show myself it wasn't forged  
_

"You need to pick" he said quietly, avoiding her eyes. "It's either me or Nate, you can't have both"

She felt the tears welling up in her eyes as she struggled to keep her composure. She didn't know what to say to him, she didn't know what he wanted her to say. He wasn't looking at her so he had no idea what his face looked like, whether or not he even wanted her anymore. Her mind kept flashing back to the hurt look on his face, over and over and over again. Was he hurt that she had replaced him so quick or hurt that she had replaced him at all. There would always be a space in her heart saved for Nate; she had loved him for so long, it was impossible to completely remove him from her heart. But Chuck…he had slowly started taking over her entire heart without her even being aware of it. She couldn't even fathom of the idea of being away from him.

_We're at war  
we live like this  
_

He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, he knew she didn't know what to do, but the question still had to be asked. He knew that she was going to leave the room, to go think things through, but it hadn't hurt any less.

"I'll be back" she whispered, patting him affectionately on the knee. He winced as parts of his already shattered heart seemed to shatter once again as she exited the room, closing it shut behind her. He stared at the water glass next to him, and he picked it up. He stared at it for a few moments before frowning and throwing it across the room, wincing as it connected with the wall and shattered into a thousand pieces.

Just like his heart.

_Keep me safe inside  
your arms like towers  
_

When she went back to his room a few hours later, he was gone. The nurse said that he had checked himself out almost two hours ago. She sighed and ran her hands through her hair in exasperation. She had finally figured out what she wanted, she knew who she wanted to be with, and she couldn't even tell him because he wasn't here. She had finally come to a decision; she was crossing the thing line that existed between Chuck and Nate.

She was done deciding.

She was ready to choose.

_Tower over me  
_

Chuck walked into the palace and sat down at the bar, ordering a scotch. He probably wasn't supposed to be drinking, especially since he still felt awful from his bender the night before. He sighed as he scrolled through the countless messages from Bart and Gossip Girl, groaning as he realized that Gossip Girl was starting to piece together the reasons behind his alcohol excursion.

He accepted the scotch from the bartender and stared at it sitting in front of him. Part of him wanted to drink it, and a lot more of it, but another part of him was too…scared.

He was scared of being that vulnerable again.

He was afraid of letting someone so far in that he was the one who ended up getting hurt.

_  
'Cause we are broken  
what must we do to restore  
_

Predictably, she knew where he would go. The Palace was the one place that Chuck always went when he didn't know where to go. It was his home, if you could call it that, and it was the one place you could always count on him being. She entered the hotel and immediately looked towards the bar, not so shocked when she realized that he was there. She started over towards him but stopped moving when she noticed who he was sitting with.

_Our innocence  
_

The girl next to him seemed to be into him, and normally he would be very interested if a) he wasn't sober, b) he wasn't recovering from a near death experience and c) wasn't badly in love with Blair Waldorf.

He tried to get the woman away from him but she seemed to be very confident, and unwilling to accept the fact that he didn't want to sleep with her. She was starting to really get on his nerves and he didn't know how to make her go away. Luckily he didn't have to think too hard because before he had even had the chance to think of something to say, Blair had suddenly appeared and chased her away.

_And oh, the promise we adored  
_

"I thought I'd find you here" she said, smiling at him as she claimed the stool that the blonde girl had just vacated. "Since you weren't in your hospital room anymore" she added, raising her eyebrow in accusation.

"I don't like hospitals" he argued weekly, not knowing what he was really supposed to say. He knew that he shouldn't have left, but he hated being in that room, all alone. After she had left no one else had come in, probably because Blair had told them not to. Personally, he was glad that no one else had come in, because he wasn't sure if he would be able to be civil if they did.

Especially Nate…he wasn't sure if he would be able to resist the urge to strangle his best friend, and naïve Nate would have no idea why his best friend would want to strangle him. He sighed and looked at her imploringly, waiting for her to continue the discussion that would inevitably lead to his heart being ripped into pieces by Blair once again.

_Give us life again  
'Cause we just wanna be whole  
_

Looking into his eyes, she felt a smile gracing her features as she thought back to her conversation with Nate from earlier.

"_Blair!" she had heard Nate call as she exited Chuck's hospital room. She wiped the stray tears off of her cheeks and smiled hesitantly at Nate, knowing that there was no way she could allow him to go into Chuck's room. She pulled him over to a secluded corner of the waiting room and sat him down before turning to face him._

"_Nate, we need to talk"_

"_I know" he said, nodding. "But can we have this conversation later? Chuck's…well I don't really know how Chuck is, but he's my best friend…and I need to see him" Nate went to stand up but Blair pushed him back down into his chair, running her hand over her face. She knew she was going to have to tell him about her and Chuck, but she wasn't sure exactly how._

"_Nate, I need to tell you something first, it's important." Before Nate could say anything, she interrupted him._

"_When you and I broke up after your father got arrested, I took your limo to Victrola. I met Chuck there and…I had the most amazing night of my life. For once, I felt free and I felt special, I felt like nothing I could do would ever hurt me as long as Chuck was there to protect me" she ignored Nate's confused expression and continued. "I slept with Chuck that night, I gave him my virginity." _

_Nate blinked up at her, unable to process what she was saying. She took his silence as a chance to continue and kept going._

"…_but that wasn't the only time I slept with him. The morning after, on my birthday, I told him that it was you I loved and not him, but then once again you showed me that you didn't care about me, just about how my family could help yours. Once again Chuck was there to make me feel better, he was so sweet and romantic, and I could hardly believe that it was the same Chuck Bass, but it was. So after that we continued seeing each other and a part of me realized that what you and I had would never make me happy like he made me happy. _

_What I'm trying to say is this; I'm in love with Chuck. The only reason that I… you know, at the cotillion, is because Chuck and I got into a fight. I can't keep stringing the two of you along, and I know that I have a choice to make, and I'm choosing Chuck"_

Chuck looked at her in confusion, not knowing why she was smiling.

_Tower over me  
_

She was surprised that the hurt expression on Nate's face hadn't hurt her as much as she'd thought it would.

_Tower over me  
_

He was shocked that crushing his heart could make her so happy. He drained the glass of scotch in front of him and turned once again to face her, preparing for the demise of his happiness.

_  
And I'll take the truth at any cost  
_

"I love you" she blurted out, instantly regretting it the second it popped out. The whole way over she had planned this perfect monologue, to prove to him how much he meant to her…but when she had looked into his eyes, she had forgotten every single thing that she wanted to say and had just blurted out the first thing that had came to mind.

_  
'Cause we are broken  
_

He stared at her, bewildered.

_What must we do to restore  
_

She stared at him, afraid that maybe he didn't feel the same way

_Our innocence  
_

"I love you too" he said quietly, mumbling it so that she wasn't entirely sure that he had said it. _Maybe he said I love shoes? _She thought to herself, even though the fact that he would say that wasn't very rational…

_And oh, the promise we adored  
_

He leaned forward and planted a kiss on her lips, finally feeling as if things were going to get better. She had actually picked him, she had picked the guy who no one believed even had a heart, let alone could give it to just one person. He, Chuck Bass, was tired of being alone. He was in love with Blair Waldorf, and no matter how scary it might seem, he wasn't going to give it up, because she was the one thing that made him feel like he was whole.

His whole life there had always been something missing. Through out his entire childhood his mother had been missing, having left his father just weeks after he had been born, not wanting her son to affect her modeling career. Bart had never really cared enough to give his son the time of the day, so Chuck had basically been brought up by the various nannies and maids that the Bass' had hired over the years.

Then through his teenage years, up until now, Nate had always been in a steady relationship and had always seemed miserable. If people in relationships always seemed so miserable, why bother being in one? So then he decided that he wouldn't bother with them, he would get what he needed from a girl and then move onto the next, it was an easy way to live because it guaranteed that he would never get left behind when something better, or someone better, came along.

Somehow, being with Blair, he felt that things would finally work out in his favor…he couldn't even imagine a future that didn't include Blair Waldorf.

_Give us life again  
_

When he pressed his lips against hers she had finally realized what she had been missing. Being with Nate and being with Chuck were such polar opposites that she couldn't believe that there had even been a choice. Nate was an uncaring and inattentive boyfriend, and Chuck was the complete opposite.

Now that she actually took the time to think about it, she didn't understand why she hadn't realized it sooner.

Every time that something awful occurred in her life, it was always Chuck who was there to pick up the pieces. When Nate forgot their anniversary it was Chuck that stayed up all night on the phone, even though he would later deny it, listening to her cry. When she broke her arm in fifth grade it wasn't Nate who carried her books and helped her up and down the stairs, it was Chuck.

Throughout her life, it was always Chuck. Chuck was always there for her. She hadn't realized how much she needed him until she had almost lost him.

She couldn't imagine living a life where Chuck Bass wasn't involved in it somehow. It was unfathomable. She needed him, even when she didn't want to need him, she needed him.

Chuck Bass was the glue that kept her together. If there was such a thing as soul mates, she was sure that he was hers because no one made her feel as special and beautiful as he did.

_'Cause we just wanna be whole_

No matter what the other people in school wanted to say about them, and no matter how many times Gossip Girl posted something on her blog that would cause people to question their relationship, they both knew that they had something that could never be broken, because when they weren't together it was impossible to feel completely whole.

**AN: wowow. That was much longer than I actually intended it to be. I needed a little Chuck/Blair happy ending, considering how…unhappy the first season ended for them.**

**Read & Review please!**

**xoxo.**


End file.
